Two months ago, I became a mother for the first time. I don’t think people talk enough about how much having a child changes you.

It’s almost like you have to grieve the version of yourself that existed before becoming a parent because that version no longer exists. You’re learning how to care for a brand-new human while also getting to know a brand-new version of yourself.

It’s been one of the most challenging seasons of my life, but also one of the most beautiful.

Every day I look at my daughter, Grace, and think, I love you so much. I never knew it was possible to love another person this deeply.

One thing motherhood has taught me is how much free time I actually had before becoming a parent. Now, by the end of the day, I’m trying to squeeze in journaling, exercise, yoga, work, and moments to simply breathe. Time feels different now. It feels more precious.

I also don’t think we talk enough about postpartum anxiety.

We hear about postpartum depression, but postpartum anxiety deserves just as much attention. For me, it started within hours of Grace's birth. My mind immediately filled with questions.

Am I breastfeeding enough?

Is she eating enough?

Is she happy?

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After labor, I barely slept. I didn’t sleep at all during the first 24 hours, and for several days afterward I was getting only a few hours of sleep each night. Between nurses checking vital signs, doctors making rounds, lactation consultants coming in, and caring for a newborn, real rest felt impossible.

No one really prepares you for that.

No one talks enough about how difficult those first walks to the bathroom can be either. Sitting was painful. Moving was painful. Healing took time.

It was also an incredibly isolating experience.

Even when you’re surrounded by people, you can still feel alone because no one else can fully understand what you’re experiencing in that moment. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and constantly trying to learn.

I’ll never forget the people who called, texted, and checked on me during those first weeks. Those small acts of kindness meant more than they’ll probably ever know.

Grace and I stayed in the hospital for five days while we were both monitored. During that time, I learned how important it is to advocate for yourself and your baby. There can be a lot of information, differing opinions, and moments of miscommunication.

Talking things through with your partner beforehand and knowing your preferences can make a huge difference.

I still remember walking through my front door after being discharged and thinking,

“Wow... I’m a parent now.”

Then came the anxious thoughts.

Is she breathing?

What if she gets sick?

Will she get sick after a doctor’s appointment?

Will she get sick after her vaccinations?

Will I lose friendships because I don’t have the time or energy to text everyone back?

I was also triple-feeding, which meant breastfeeding, bottle-feeding afterward, and pumping after every feeding to help build my milk supply. It was physically exhausting and emotionally draining.

No one talks enough about how different your body feels after birth.

You don’t just recognize a new baby; you recognize a new body.

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Your clothes fit differently. Your skin changes. Your routines change. If you’re breastfeeding, your skincare products and even certain medications may need to change too. Suddenly you’re making decisions not just for yourself, but for another little person who depends on you.

And then there’s the anxiety that comes with everyone wanting to meet your baby as soon as you get home.

You’re trying to heal, learn how to feed your baby, navigate sleep deprivation, and protect your newborn; all while managing other people’s expectations.

Motherhood has stretched me in ways I never expected.

What has helped me most has been journaling, taking walks with my husband and Grace, slowing down enough to stay present, and practicing gratitude every day. Those small moments have grounded me during a season that has often felt overwhelming.

To the mothers reading this: Did you experience postpartum anxiety after giving birth? What helped you through it?

I think it’s a conversation we need to have more often, because so many women experience it quietly, believing they’re alone.

They’re not.

Talie Callaos 💚✨
Mental Benefit | Mind. Mood. Movement.

Everyone who begins to do this work brings the same anticipation: that healing is a one-way street.

You think one day you wake up, and the thing that hurts won’t bother you anymore. There will be a before, and an after, and you’ll know the exact moment you felt completely healed.

What I’m going to say may disappoint you at first but it is the most liberating thing you are likely to read today.

That’s not how it works. And the fact that it isn’t working that way for you is not evidence of your failure.

Part 1: The Map We Were Given Is Incorrect

Many of us were raised without the resources needed to heal. The model most people carry looks like this:

· Issue → Treatment → Recovery → Repeat

It’s similar to how we think about a fractured leg. You get it set, wear the cast, do some physical therapy, and it’s healed up. There’s a finish line.

This is not how mental and emotional healing works, especially not trauma healing. When we apply that same model to psychological pain, we set ourselves up for one of the most disheartening experiences imaginable: doing the work and feeling like nothing is working.

Part 2: Healing Is a Spiral, Not a Staircase

Picture a spiral staircase seen from above. Each time you go around, you pass over the same point on the floor but you are higher than you were before.

Trauma healing works like this. You will encounter the same themes, the same fears, the same relationship dynamics, the same ache over and over again. Each time you do, it can feel like you’ve taken a step backwards. You feel like a novice again.

You’re not. Your location on the map looks the same, but you are one floor up. You have more capacity, more patience, more tools than the last time you sat in this seat.

The landscape may look identical. But the view is different.

Which is why so many milestone moments on our healing journey end up feeling flat. You never “graduate” from grief, fear, or self-doubt. You simply develop a new kind of relationship with them.

Part 3: The Window of Tolerance

The window of tolerance is one of the most important concepts in trauma therapy. Once you understand it, everything about how you approach your own healing will change.

Your nervous system has a sweet spot. Within that range, you can move through difficult emotions, think rationally, access memory, and stay present. You’re regulated enough to sit with discomfort while working with whatever is showing up.

Outside that window, processing stops:

· Too activated (hyperarousal): You’re flooded. Panic, rage, dissociation, intrusive thoughts. Your body is in survival mode it cannot heal at the same time.

· Shut down (hypoarousal): You feel empty, listless, disconnected. Your system has collapsed inward. Also not a healing state.

Trauma work is not about diving nose-deep into pain. It’s about gradually widening the window so that little by little, you can hold more of your experience without needing to leave your body.

This is why “just think about it until it doesn’t bother you anymore” is not a workable strategy. You cannot think your way out of a neurological response. The body has to be included.

So Where Do You Really Start?

This is the question I get asked most often and rightly so. “Do the healing work” is not a strategy. It’s a direction without a map.

Where you start depends on where your nervous system currently lives: whether you tend toward hyper- or hypo-arousal, what kind of trauma you’ve experienced (relational, developmental, acute), and what internal and external resources you’re working with.

There is a specific order I’d recommend one that is different from what most people assume. Most people want to begin with the story: what happened, making sense of it. For most individuals, that is actually Step 3, not Step 1.

Here ends the free portion of this post.

If you’ve read through all three parts in this series, you have a real foundation: why your body is the way it is; why willpower isn’t what’s missing; how trauma waves show up in everyday life.

Next is the applied game plan: the sequencing, the tactical entry points, and the structure I’d follow if I had to restart this work from scratch today. That’s what paid subscribers receive.

Benefits for paid subscribers:

· The complete healing roadmap: the exact sequence I recommend, and why beginning with the story is frequently an error

· Monthly deep dives on a single concept: somatic work, expanding your window of tolerance, reparenting, and more

· Tools you can actually use: nervous system regulation exercises, journaling frameworks, and self-assessment guides

· Monthly reader Q&A: bring your real questions, and I’ll answer them

Subscriptions are $11/month or $80/year.

If something in this series opened something in you, if you now have words for something you’ve been carrying, leave me a comment.

I’d love to keep going with you.

You made it through all four posts. That’s not nothing. Most people don’t.

See you on the other side.

Talie Callaos 💚✨
Mental Benefit | Mind. Mood. Movement.

Decentering yourself from a person means they are no longer the center of your world.

This concept could be considered in friendships and relationships. Their mood does not control your mood.

Their approval does not determine who you are. Their choices do not decide how you feel about yourself.

When someone is at the center of your life, it is easy to lose yourself.

You could find yourself wondering what do they think of me?

Do she/he want to be my friend, or does he/she want to be in a relationship with me?

How they feel, or what you can do to make them happy. Over time, your needs, goals, and dreams can get pushed to the side.

Decentering is about coming back to yourself.

It is asking:

1. 1. What do I need?

2. What brings me joy?

3. What kind of life do I want to create?

You can still love someone a lot and not make them your entire world.

Healthy relationships happen when two whole people come together, not when one person disappears to make room for the other.

If you have spent years people-pleasing, seeking approval, or putting everyone else’s needs before your own, decentering may feel uncomfortable at first.

But discomfort does not mean you are doing something wrong.

It means you are learning to make space for yourself again.

You deserve to be a priority in your own life.

Talie Callaos 💚✨
Mental Benefit | Mind. Mood. Movement.

One unmet expectation at a time. One boundary you didn’t set at a time.

Resentment is what happens when we repeatedly give what we don’t have, say yes when we want to say no, or stay silent about things that hurt us.

Many people think resentment is anger toward someone else.

But often, resentment is also anger toward ourselves.

We resent the friend who continues to cancel plans, not show up for us, does not support us. And it’s because we never spoke up.

We resent the partner who doesn’t meet our needs because we never clearly communicated them.

We resent our family because we keep sacrificing ourselves to keep everyone comfortable.

Underneath resentment is usually grief.

Grief for the love we didn’t receive.

Grief for the support we needed.

Grief for the version of ourselves that felt responsible for everyone else’s happiness.

The hard truth is that resentment is rarely healed by changing other people.

It is healed by becoming honest with ourselves.

Honest about our needs.

Honest about our limits.

Honest about the conversations we’ve been avoiding.

It’s your mind and body letting you know that something needs attention.

The next time you notice resentment rising, pause and ask yourself:

What need am I ignoring?

What boundary needs to be set?

What truth have I been afraid to say?

Sometimes healing isn’t about forgiving faster.

Sometimes healing is about finally listening to yourself.

With love,

Talie Callaos 💚✨
Mental Benefit | Mind. Mood. Movement.

One of the topics I wanted to talk about this week is how the Western diet is filled with ultra-processed foods. So many of the foods and drinks we consume have a lot of added sugar, and it feels like everything is made to be sweeter than it really needs to be. Research has shown that ultra-processed foods, especially foods high in refined sugars, are associated with an increased risk of depression.

With that in mind, I wanted to talk about something called the Dietary Inflammatory Index. This is basically a way of measuring how likely your diet is to contribute to inflammation in the body. Diets with a higher inflammatory potential have been associated with a higher risk of depression.

So where am I getting this information, and what does the data tell us? Studies have shown about a 33% increase in the risk of developing depression among people who consume more inflammatory diets.

What exactly are ultra-processed foods? These can include things like artificially sweetened beverages and highly processed drinks, such as some shakes you might buy from a fast-food restaurant.

The research also suggests that diets high in refined sugars and highly sweetened foods may contribute to worsening depression over time. Other ultra-processed foods commonly found in fast-food diets, including red meat, white bread, and foods high in unhealthy fats, have also been linked to higher rates of depression. In some studies, these dietary patterns were associated with up to a 3.5-fold increase in depression risk. Similarly, sugary beverages were associated with a greater risk of depression as well.

Part of this may be connected to the gut microbiome. Research suggests that inflammation can affect the brain, and obesity has also been linked to the relationship between inflammatory diets and depression.

So what can we do about it? One approach is following a Mediterranean-style diet. This can include foods such as legumes, fish, vegetables, and fruits. These foods tend to have lower inflammatory effects and have been associated with a reduced risk of depression.

Talie Callaos 💚✨
Mental Benefit | Mind. Mood. Movement.

The reality is that many people do not change simply because we want them to. Some may never acknowledge their behavior, take accountability, or develop the emotional maturity we hope for.

Waiting for them to become different can leave you feeling frustrated, disappointed, and emotionally exhausted.

Instead, consider focusing on these questions:

1. Can I accept this person as they are today, not who I hope they become?

2. What boundaries do I need to protect my peace?

3. What expectations are realistic for this relationship?

4. How much access should this person have to my time, energy, and emotions?

When they show you who they are believe them.

For example:

1. If someone is consistently unreliable, stop expecting reliability from them.

2. If someone struggles with emotional intimacy, stop looking to them for deep emotional support.

3. If someone repeatedly violates boundaries, strengthen your boundaries rather than repeatedly explaining them.

A sign of emotional growth is recognizing that your peace cannot depend on another person’s transformation.

As a psychiatric nurse practitioner, you may appreciate this perspective: suffering often comes not only from the behavior itself, but from the gap between who a person is and who we desperately want them to be.

I learned this the hard way. I had a friend that was headed down a dangerous path. I tried so hard to change them, help them and I started to lose myself. I asked myself the four questions above. I accepted them for who they were, but boundaries were constantly being crossed.

The expectations I had for her were never going to happen. I felt like I was constantly feeling disappointed. Ultimately, I decided to cut off access and stop wasting my time, energy, and emotions.

The healthiest relationships are built on reality, not potential. Sometimes the question isn’t, “How do I change them?” but rather, “Given who they are, what role do I want them to have in my life and do I want them to have a role in my life?”

Talie Callaos 💚✨

Mental Benefit | Mind. Mood. Movement.

You keep calling yourself lazy because you can’t “just start.”

But your brain has learned to wait for:
panic, pressure, urgency, fear, guilt, or consequences…

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Not unmotivated.

Not “bad with time.”

Just… undiagnosed.

Because ADHD in women doesn’t always look OBVIOUS.
It looks like overthinking everything.
Starting your day already overwhelmed.
Needing pressure just to function.
Being “high-achieving”… but exhausted behind the scenes.

And for years, sometimes decades, you build your identity around coping instead of understanding.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

ADHD doesn’t always show up as hyperactivity.
Sometimes it shows up as mental paralysis.
You know what to do… but you can’t get yourself to do it.

ADHD doesn’t mean you can’t focus.
It means your focus is inconsistent.
You can hyperfocus for hours on the wrong thing…
and avoid the one thing that actually matters.

ADHD doesn’t mean you’re disorganized.
It means you’re constantly trying to fix disorganization.
New planners. New routines. New systems.
That work… for about 3 days.

ADHD doesn’t mean you don’t care.
It usually means you care too much.
Which is why the guilt hits so hard when you can’t follow through.

And the hardest part?

When you’ve gone undiagnosed for years,
you don’t just struggle with symptoms…

You start to believe the symptoms are your personality.

“I’m just bad at finishing things.”
“I’ve always been this way.”
“I just need to try harder.”

No.

You were never given the right explanation so you created your own.

And most of the time… it was self-blame.

If this is hitting a little too close to home, there’s a reason.

You are not reading this by accident.

There is a pattern here.
A cycle.
And once you see it… you can’t unsee it.

Talie Callaos 💚✨
Mental Benefit | Mind. Mood. Movement.

You’ve had the whole day to do something…
but somehow you only start when the pressure hits.

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Why You Feel Stuck Even When You Care:

You’re not lazy.
You’re not unmotivated.
So why can’t you start?

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Attraction isn’t always about what’s healthy.
It’s often about what your body already knows.

If you grew up around:

emotional inconsistency

unpredictability

having to “earn” love

Then calm, available love can feel… uncomfortable.

Not because it’s wrong.
But because it’s unfamiliar.

So your nervous system says:
“This feels like home.”
Even if that “home” was emotionally unstable.

You’re trying to win the love you didn’t receive

There’s a belief many women carry:

“If I can just love them enough, they’ll choose me.”

This isn’t desperation.
It’s unhealed emotional wound

You may be subconsciously trying to:

finally feel chosen

finally feel enough

finally feel secure

But here’s the truth:

You cannot heal a wound by recreating it.

The anxious and avoidant cycle

This dynamic is one of the most common patterns:

You crave closeness → they pull away.

They pull away → you try harder.

You try harder → they distance more

And suddenly, you’re stuck in a cycle that feels intense, addictive, and confusing.

That intensity?
It’s often mistaken for chemistry.

But it’s actually dysregulation.

Emotional unavailability can feel like a challenge

Unavailable people often:

give just enough to keep you hooked

struggle with vulnerability

avoid deep emotional connection

This creates a loop of:
hope → disappointment → trying harder → brief reward → repeat

And your brain starts chasing the next moment of closeness.

Not because it’s love.
But because it’s intermittent reinforcement (the strongest form of attachment).

Why healthy love can feel “boring”

When someone is:

consistent

emotionally present

clear about their intentions

It can feel… flat.

No anxiety.
No guessing.
No emotional highs and lows.

And your body might interpret that as:

“Something is missing.”

But what’s actually missing is chaos.

The shift that changes everything

Healing this pattern isn’t about forcing yourself to pick “better people.”

It’s about learning to feel safe with stability.

That means:

• noticing when you feel anxious and asking why

• not chasing someone who is pulling away

• allowing consistency to feel enough

• choosing peace over intensity

Read this slowly

You are not attracted to emotionally unavailable people because something is wrong with you.

You are attracted to them because, at some point,
that’s what love looked like.

But it doesn’t have to stay that way.

A gentle reminder

The version of you that is healed will not feel excited by inconsistency.

She will feel safe with:

effort

emotional presence

And she will no longer confuse
emotional chaos with connection.

If this resonated with you, you’re not alone.

In my paid newsletter, I go deeper into:

• how to break this cycle step-by-step

• how to rewire your attachment patterns

• how to stop overgiving and start choosing yourself

💚✨

Before you were 18, your environment was shaping more than just your memories it was shaping your nervous system, your beliefs, and your long-term health.

This is where the ACE Score comes in.

What is an ACE Score?

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Most people go through life trying to understand their anxiety, relationship patterns, stress responses, or emotional triggers without realizing that many of these reactions may have roots in childhood experiences. This is where the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) score becomes important. Your ACE score is not a diagnosis, and it does not define you, but it can give powerful insight into why your nervous system reacts the way it does.

The ACE score comes from research that looked at how early life stress like neglect, abuse, household dysfunction, or growing up in an unsafe environment can affect health later in life. Studies found that the more adverse experiences a person had, the higher the risk for things like anxiety, depression, chronic illness, difficulty with relationships, and even physical health problems. This does not mean your future is set and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Many people with higher ACE scores learned to become independent very early. They learned to solve problems alone, avoid asking for help, or shut down emotions to stay safe. As adults, this can show up as self-isolation, overworking, people-pleasing, difficulty trusting others, or feeling constantly on edge. When you know your ACE score, you stop asking “Why am I like this?” and start asking “How did this happen?”

Understanding your ACE score can be the beginning of your healing era. Awareness allows you to work on regulating your nervous system, building safe relationships, setting boundaries, and learning new coping skills. The brain and body are capable of change at any age, and many people see major improvements in their mental health once they understand the connection between past experiences and present reactions.

Knowing your ACE score is not about blaming your parents or staying stuck in the past. It is about giving yourself context, compassion, and the opportunity to grow. When you understand your story, you gain the power to write a different ending.

Talie Callaos 💚✨
Mental Benefit | Mind. Mood. Movement.

That’s not because you’re dramatic.

And it’s not because you’re unaware.

It’s because your mind adapted so you could survive.

1. Your Brain Adjusted to Protect You

When something overwhelming happens, your nervous system shifts into survival mode.

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1. You feel anxious or on edge for no clear reasonYour body sends “danger” signals even when you are safe. This often reflects sympathetic activation, also known as fight or flight.

2. You get overwhelmed easily

Small tasks feel heavy. Simple decisions feel draining. Your system is working overtime just to keep up.

3. Your emotions swing quickly

Irritated one moment and numb the next. Dysregulation makes emotional stability harder to maintain.

4. Your body feels tense or tight

A clenched jaw, stiff neck, tight shoulders, or an uneasy stomach are signs that your body is bracing for something.

5. Your sleep is disrupted

You may struggle to fall asleep, stay asleep, or wake up feeling unrested. A stressed body does not power down easily.

6. Your digestion changes

Bloating, constipation, diarrhea, and nausea are common when your gut slows down in response to stress.

7. You shut down emotionally or mentally

This is the freeze response. You may feel disconnected, numb, or unable to act, even when you want to.

8. You experience brain fog or difficulty focusing

Clarity drops when your brain prioritizes survival over creativity or problem-solving.

9. You react instead of respond

You might snap, withdraw, avoid, overwork, or people-please. These are common survival patterns.

10. You do not recover quickly after stress

You stay activated long after the stressful moment ends. This means your body is struggling to return to balance.

Day 1:
Every morning take three slow, intentional breaths. As you breathe, name three things you are grateful for. You can do this while you make your morning coffee or fixing your hair. Just try to do this every morning before you get too busy. This simple grounding exercise helps bring your nervous system out of survival mode and back into the present moment.

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Detachment is not about becoming cold, distant, or emotionally unavailable. It’s about learning when to let go of what no longer feels mutual, respectful, or nourishing. It’s understanding that not everyone you meet will be permanent in your life, and that this is okay and part of growth.

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